"Things I Think About"

A month or so ago, an idea for a painting popped into my mind. Some specific aspects and details showed themselves right away, while others were not yet clear. I knew I wanted to make a painting showing certain things I think about repeatedly throughout my day. Those concepts, dreams, hopes, and meditations that are always in the forefront or back of my mind. I knew I wanted to place my body in the narrative somehow, to show it was both something I think about while also being the subject doing the thinking.

I started with a sketch of the body, that turned into an idea of having a three-point-turn. I had the idea in mind of how the image looked, with the things I think about in a sort of circular shape. But at this stage, I was not sure how to execute that.

I started by adding the shape as a starting point, which allowed me to visualize the image as a whole.

I was excited to be rendering a form from my mind, working off of my understanding of anatomy informed from observation over the years. It is a really fun test for myself after not working from a model for a few years at this point. I was not sure what to put under the figures, but I settled on this rectangular shape that acted as a sort of base for them, which was also contrasted by the roundness of the right side of the image. The overall layout for the painting was starting to come together.

One of the things I think about a lot is babies. I think about embryos, and the magical ability of mothers growing life in their bodies. I think about growth of human life very frequently. Being a nanny to two small boys and watching them grow from infants to toddlers definitely contributes to these thoughts. Also thinking of my future as a mother and the importance of fetal health and all I can do to make that possible. I think about the progression of life a lot, how cells multiply and we grow until we die.

In addition to my baby fever thoughts and dreams throughout the day are whale thoughts. I dream about whales all the time- sometimes 3 times a week. I dream of huge waves towering above me, and in them I can see orcas, sperm whales, blue whales and dolphins. Or, I am viewing waves from above and watching orca fins emerging from the water, waiting for them to breach which they often do in the dreams. Whales swimming in clear water is the most satisfying and beautiful thing to me, and I wish so much to see one one day. They are so perfect and powerful.

At one point, I used my mark-up tool on my phone to see if I liked a blue environment around everything. Although I really do like it, I am glad I stayed with the soft pink. But doing this is so helpful for testing moves out.

I added a home. I think about my future home that I will have one day. A home filled with light, laughter, good food, babies running around, and doing it all with my loving partner. My parents divorced when I was very little, and I moved many times as a child because of that-I moved eight time before my eighteenth birthday. Although my mother setup a cozy home each time we relocated, the instability of a changing environment definitely affected me. It wasn't her fault- it was just the cards we were dealt. I know that predictability in a child's world is so important, so I hope in my future to have a home that doesn't have to be packed up and moved so often. This is a dream that will become a reality one day. I added numbers counting up to eight. I count a lot in my head sometimes, and stop at the number eight and start over again.

I added my final elements to the 'thought bubble.' I needed each element to be symbolic and intentional. The three-point-turn of the body is aiming to represent my at times obsessive thoughts with my body and being perceived. How I look, and how I want to look, while also not really knowing. The outline of the state of California representing my utmost dreams of a new life there one day. A wave: I think about the ocean constantly and am so grateful for all it does for us. It is a constant form of solace for me. The initials of my boyfriend, which happen to be my mom's initials, too. A cross to acknowledge my relationship with God. One that is the source for all I am, and all of what life is.

There is not one way to look at this image, and although I have described the meaning of certain elements, I don't intend for it to be so literal. It can be interpreted many ways and I enjoy that. The approach and experience of making this over the past several weeks has been really enjoyable and challenging for me and I hope it will offer enjoyment for its viewer. Thank you for reading <3